Emotions are the enemy. This is a common perception of how many of us see our emotions. They are outdated, impulsive, and useless. And so many of us suppress or hide our emotions from both ourselves and others. But this comes at a significant cost.
Our choices are limited when we are unaware of our emotions. We may act blindly without understanding why we act the way we do. Our rational thinking tends to serve our emotional undercurrents. To limit awareness of our emotions is to limit the effectiveness of our thinking. And as Freud said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
It is nearly impossible to build deep relationships when we are unaware of our emotions. One of the most common problems in relationships is one person taking on the emotions of the other. This often happens when we are not only unaware of our emotions but we are unable to distinguish our own emotions from that of others. If your partner feels angry, you may take on their anger. If you feel afraid, your partner may take on your fear.
What happens when we cannot distinguish our emotions from those of others? We begin making choices that do not serve us. We begin to serve the needs of others without understanding why. We act blindly in the service of others around us who have strong emotions. We have no emotional boundaries. We have no defense to preserve our own energy and sanity. Emotional boundaries are a defensive tool that helps us stay safe and sane.
Past traumas magnify our emotions. Traumatic neural networks in our brain—no matter how big or how small—can be triggered at any moment. They are an instinctive defensive mechanism that helped us survive in the past. But they often no longer serve us once the danger has passed. We continue to see the same dangers when the present holds the slightest similarity with the past. These emotions can hijack our rational brain and we react instinctively without thought.
Gaining awareness of our emotions is a slow and arduous process. It takes deliberate practice to shift the unconscious to the conscious. The simple act of labeling our emotions improves our awareness. Matthew Lieberman, a UCLA psychology professor, ran a study where he found that people who labeled emotions shifted brain activity from the amygdala, the fear center, to the prefrontal cortex, the rational center. Writing, therapy, and meditation are all tools that can help us gain more awareness of our emotions.
What happens when we see emotions as our friends instead of our enemy? We begin to notice them. We begin to see emotions as the way to improve our thinking instead of impeding our thinking. We begin to notice how our emotions differ from those around us. And by taking care of our own emotions and needs, we are then better positioned to help those around us meet theirs. When we see emotions as our friends, we begin to build deeper and more fulfilling relationships.
